Posted by: captainfalcon | August 5, 2011

Thought Catalog and the Gordian Knot

Thought Catalog holds itself out as the temperament of mid-twenties city dwellers. Some of the problems over which its denizens agitate don’t seem particularly challenging. Four examples.

1. Problem:  “I’ll admit that there are people I’d rather delete than keep on Facebook/ in my life, but they remain because it would be rude to cut them out, and it’s hard to admit when any relationship is hopeless. I went to a friend’s wedding last summer and didn’t care about it at all.”

Solution. Spend a lot of time with people you enjoy; only as much time as politesse requires with those who are a trial; and make up the time lost latterly by not culling your Facebook-friends, because it is a low-value enterprise. As for the wedding problem, elsewhere on Thought Catalog it’s recommended that you “[t]alk to your champagne flute. Find out where it’s from, what its family is like, what its hopes and dreams are,” so, yes, that one’s not fully solved.

2. Problem: “I think I’m cute and intellectually I can understand why someone would want to get down with me. I think I would actually have sex with me too. But emotionally, I’m always taken aback when someone talks about my sexiness or my body in a positive light. I’m always like, “Really? You’re having this response to my body? Do you even know about the things it does sometimes?!””

Solution. Don’t congratulate yourself for an unearned non-virtue that is probably not particularly real and that, to the limited extent it is, you may or may not embody. It doesn’t seem less self-promotional for being embedded in a sterile fart joke. If this really is a problem for you then you have no romantic sensibility and should probably refocus your libidinal energies on something that offers endless rewards to middlebrow neurotics (for example, KenKen), or content yourself with meaningless sex.

3. Problem: “Never admit to yourself that … drunk cab rides make you happier than the damn kale you bought at the bodega. That would make you feel guilty, that would make you actually feel young (something you’re never supposed to feel.) Life is all about being young and pretending to be old, and being old and wishing you were young. Are you getting it, yet?”

No, but here’s the solution. Do not frequent bodegas or purchase kale. (What is kale?) Also, avoid cabs. Take the subway and walk instead of eating kale to maintain your health and (win-win) your bank balance. Don’t drink so much.

4. Problem. “I think the reason why twentysomethings are so fixated on age is because we feel a pressure to be a certain way at 23, at 25, at 29. There are all of these invisible deadlines with our careers and with love and drinking and drugs … We feel so much guilt for essentially acting our age and making mistakes. We’re obsessed with this idea of being domesticated and having our shit together. It’s kind of sad actually because I don’t think we ever fully get a chance to enjoy our youth. We’re so concerned about doing things “the right way” that we lose any sense of pleasure in doing things the wrong way.”

Solution. Youtube “Only the Good Die Young” on your lunch break. Listen thrice. Remember to put your impractically short-brimmed straw hat back on before resuming your position at the french press station.



  1. I have never encountered this site before, but I have encountered kale. Its like cabbage.

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